My initial thought was, “People always view me differently because I am not wearing a police uniform and I don’t carry the weight and responsibility of our resilient, hard-working police officers.” But when I thought a little deeper about how I had managed to resolve this particularly hard and thorny mediation between two neighbours, the answer became clear: “I was the calmest person in the room, at all times.”

Ok, so great advice, Jason, thank you — but did we really click on the link just to read that? No. Let me go further. When you are detached from a crisis, business merger, negotiation, or mediation, it is easier to calm the room and help people find solutions, because you are not emotionally involved. Personally, I work very hard to achieve positive outcomes in all my cases and, I put in a lot of time and effort, but when it comes to emotions, I remain professional.

But what if you are not detached? What if you are one of the parties in a negotiation or crisis, and anything but removed from it? What are you meant to do then?

In his famous book, Daniel Kahneman explains that we have two types of thought. The first is our fast-acting, emotionally driven “system one” (Homer Simpson) type thinking. The second is our rational, strategic, calm “system two” (Albert Einstein) type thinking. Now, we are all emotionally driven beings, and we naturally default to our system one brain. Why? Because it’s easier. It seems to offer quick solutions — but they are often ineffective.

For example, when I asked both parties in the neighbour dispute what would help with the problem, without hesitation, they both said: “Move my neighbour.” This is system one at work. It also fails to consider the second or third move of any action. Imagine if you played chess like this — you would never win a single game.

What we need is a quick and easy route to bypass our system one brain, switch to system two, and collect £200 as we pass go.

Now, there are around a thousand techniques for relaxing the body, breathing through stress, and staying mindful — all of which can really help. However, when we’re in the middle of a crisis or a tense, high-stakes negotiation, we don’t always have the time to explore such good practice. In mediation, I will always offer people the chance to pause, reflect, and return to the table, because it helps clear the mind. But if you are in a situation where this isn’t possible, try this:

Ask yourself: What are they feeling right now? What do they need from me?

I know it’s not easy, especially when you wish they would just recognise the great offer you’ve put on the table, sign the deal, and leave. But it is exactly what you need to do — for two reasons. First, it instantly pulls you out of your system one, emotional brain. Second, it allows you to ask a better question and move your thoughts closer to theirs.

In life, we all make the same mistake in difficult situations: we assume others think like us and want what we want. How many times have you heard someone say, “Well, if that were me, I would have done this,” or, “I would have just let them have it”? Sadly, this one-sided thinking stalls countless deals, mediations, and negotiations. We stay stuck in system one, trying to browbeat others into agreement, when what we actually need to do is think about the other person. Not to simply give in and hand them what they want, but to understand their needs and help bridge the gap.

From there, with a new perspective, you can even test your assumptions by labelling how they may be feeling or what they might need. You’d be surprised how far this one action can go in breaking down barriers.

As a professional negotiator, this is what I spend much of my time doing. Let me go back a step here. When I said earlier that “as far as emotions go, I just remain professional,” what I really mean is this: in my work, being professional means leaving my own emotions to one side. Doing so allows me to focus on the emotions and needs of the people in the room and to ask the most important question: Can anything be done to align them?

Sometimes, it’s the emotional element of a negotiation that gets us across the line — and allows us to close a deal or resolve a dispute together.

#mediation #negotiation #disputeresolution